Scientology launches its own TV network today – just like regular television, only more terrifying | World news

DirecTV, Apple, Roku and Google Chromecast are now streaming content to spread the word. Now we can see where those deluded millionaires are coming from

Scientology launches its own TV network today – just like regular television, only more terrifying | World news
John Travolta and Michael Peña at the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre 44th anniversary gala in Los Angeles. Photograph: Kevin Winter/Getty Images for CoS

Name: The Scientology Network.

Age: Due any minute now.

Appearance: Just like regular television, only slightly more terrifying.

Praise Xenu, a Scientology TV channel! Well, not really. Scientology will actually just be streaming content on DirecTV, Apple TV, Roku, Google Chromecast and an app.

Scientology has no need for anachronisms such as television channels. You’re right. Scientology hates television channels, almost as much as it hates psychiatry, former Scientologists and people making any noise whatsoever during childbirth.

Do you hate Scientology? Doesn’t everyone? Haven’t you seen the documentary Going Clear, the Louis Theroux Scientology film and the Leah Remini anti-Scientology series? None of them are particularly fond of Scientology, you know.

So maybe Scientology has started this network to counter these accusations? Oh, I get it. It’s a PR move to try to make Scientology look less like a toxic dustbin full of deluded millionaires with aggressive superiority complexes.

You’re very hostile. Would you like to take an Oxford Capacity Analysis to get to the bottom of this? No I wouldn’t, and I won’t be watching this channel either. It’ll probably just be endless repeats of John Travolta’s Battlefield Earth anyway.

Actually, a programme list has been released; it includes Meet a Scientologist, Voices for Humanity and L Ron Hubbard: In His Own Voice. Great! Will the Hubbard series include his Affirmations, such as “Snakes are not dangerous to you. There are no snakes in the bottom of your bed” and “Masturbation does not injure or make insane. Your parents were in error. Everyone masturbates”?

But everyone does masturbate. Be quiet: I’m making fun of a religion here. It’s my favourite thing to do.

So you don’t hate Scientology specifically; you just enjoy mocking religious programming. Well, yes, especially if it’s likely to feature looped footage of Tom Cruise slagging off psychiatrists.

And The Handmaid’s Tale. What’s that now?

The Handmaid’s Tale. Elisabeth Moss made that, and she’s a Scientologist. Oh for God’s sake, really? That’s something else I’ll never be able to fully enjoy again.

You do know that watching the Scientology Network isn’t compulsory, right? If you don’t like it, you can just ignore it. Where’s the fun in that? God, you’re such a Suppressive Person. No wonder you’re stuck at Operating Thetan Level Four.

Do say: “Just what the world needs – more television.”

Don’t say: “I just binge-watched season six of Thetans Do the Funniest Things.”